It is now four in the morning, and I have been awake for about an hour or so.
It is really calming for me to see the blue of my blog. Sometimes this feels like the only & last place on earth I have to feel a sense of sanity.
I can’t sleep. I still don’t feel like I am really back in Auckland. I don’t understand my life. I don’t really get anything anymore. I feel like I’ve been around the world and back, and now I don’t recognize my life – my bags, my computer, my job, work, family… or what is not.
All I remember is Ponsonby. The pretty lights, the awnings, the quiet, the food. So much like Taiwan that it began to feel like home. But perhaps I am just hallucinating. I am only 26 and I feel like I am looking at life backwards already. I have spent the last year of my life (26) with Will and everything has felt so surreal. There were no landing. It’s a flight of uncertainty – my uni, my family, my friends, ex’s, current boyfriend – my life feels like it does not exist. My life feels like pieces of fragments strung together to make a thing called life, with time going only forwards… I cannot go back to make any changes.
I wished I knew what home feels like. If I knew what home feels like then perhaps all this would make sense. Home would be the centre of everything in my world. But I have no home. No family. That feels harder than anything because I am just drifting around in this world alone. Friends make things easier to bear, but friends are not home. I want a house. I want to have people to rely on. I want to have people who care. People that I can go home to…
I have one day to pull myself together. I have one day to work. I hope I am flying next to you, with you – but maybe one day I might need to fly on my own.
I don’t know. I don’t want to. I just want some everlasting peace. Peace is difficult to get these days. People have to work really hard for it. I don’t know why humans have created this world that is difficult for themselves to live in. More competition, more surreal advertisements, more money… I don’t know what I am doing here.
I wished I had someone to calm me. Comfort me. Talk to me. I can’t do that with my current boyfriend and I am not sure that is normal… I feel I have to hold out for everything – holding back for something else? People that matter the most to you are often the ones that hurt you the most. Because so much of what you see valuable in yourself is because of their relationship with you. Even if you have an inherent line of worth, if no one wants to relate to you, you are no one.
It’s strange. I have friends with whom I spoke to today. I have friends who I reached out to and replied to me. I am thankful for them, so thankful. But my heart does not heal one bit, maybe 1% out of 99%. What is the 99%, you ask? Well… I think my current boyfriend has everything to do with it. He makes me doubt myself, my life, my relations with others, my work. Because he is lost and I cannot get lost with him. I am holding onto myself tightly; I am smelling all the roses I have; I am keeping my gaze with all my friends’; and I try to remember what home is to me. I don’t believe anything he says: that he loves me. that he deserves me. that he is trying for both of us. I don’t believe in any relationship. I don’t believe a word he says, because I believe that he doesn’t yet believe or trust himself. It is like we are both flying but neither of us see land yet, and he is telling me we will both land together… I am so sorry, Will. I see the truth clearer than either of us do, sometimes, but it is difficult to admit, to announce, to state out there. The truth is that both of us are lost, wounded, in healing recovery. Both of us are hurt. Neither of us know our own strengths yet. Neither of us know in which direction we are going. We don’t know where our home is or where our destination is. The truth is that we are afraid we will fall apart & be apart. Because we have not yet learnt that it is our heart that matter the most: neither of us has learnt to have faith in life…
And I wished we have that. Because I do.